This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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