As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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