Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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