you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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