I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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