I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
