How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize