He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
