at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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