I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
