She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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