paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
