Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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