I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Found the puke drawer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
