Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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