I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
