Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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