Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
