Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
birth control should be required to get into college
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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