be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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