My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
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