We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
