he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
