moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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