I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it because I queefed?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
