You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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