Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
