Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
