considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
