Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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