also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
