Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
