I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
