When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
