No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
