I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
