I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
