I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
