I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
