I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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