This house was built for laser tag.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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