he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize