I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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