Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
accomplished twins. life is a go
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
