i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
