I accidentally had phone sex last night
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
