Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Randomize
