Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And then my night got REAL pukey
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
