the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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