worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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