Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
