Nicole vs. Life
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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