genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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