I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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